For a minute I went blank. Sixty seconds of pure nothing. I heard no sound, saw no scene and felt no emotion. When I slowly came back to find myself, I felt scared.   My past was staring in my face.

She was an eight years old girl with questions in her eyes. Questions I was not prepared to answer. Not now, not at all. She wore a frock few size too large. Her lice laden hair was tied in a pony tail. She was frail and had mud brown skin. Her toes were full of dirt and she had no slippers. It took me few minutes to notice her with out interest.  

I had no clue, what her baby mind was thinking. She was enjoying our introduction as little as I was. We both were at a place we did not want to. This was becoming more than awkward. She was pulling the front door curtain with both her sweaty hands. I wanted to yell at her for that. She avoided my intense gaze. All I wanted was for this to end like a bad dream. I did not want any part of this dirty little girl. My decent educated mind chose not to be a party to this.

Every time I recalled that phase in my life in these last nine years, I cringed. How could I allow all that to happen to me? Was that really me or some one else who looked and behaved like me? One night, well not exactly one night, changed the course of my entire life. I still think about that night and hate myself for it. It cost me every thing dear.

My family had gone out to a wedding in the evening. I did not go citing urgent paper work. In fact I wanted that time with our new maid. She was not at all beautiful by any standard. But to my forty years old eyes she was young and attractive. She had dark and clear skin. That night after she got me my dinner, she asked ‘Sir, is there any thing else that you need?’ I still blame her for my actions. I moved fast and caught her at the waist. She smelt of surf washing powder. I swear, I did not force myself on her. I wanted her to resist but she just went limp. I told her that I was going out of my mind since she started working. She gave me a look that I could not decipher. When I finished with her, we were on the floor. Collecting her faded green saree around her she left the house. I felt like a worm sitting on the floor. After a couple of guilt pangs life became normal. My giving her a thousand rupees to ease my guilt was part of that process.

I hated myself and her. I insulted her each opportunity I got. When she avoided my presence I forced myself on her. She always allowed me to come close to her. I secretly believed she was in love with me. But my illusion shattered every time she accepted the money. In my frustration and lack of interst from her side one morning, I called her a slut in front of every one. 

It has been a week in this house and bad memories filled my mind. It is strange how you attach your memories to a place. And now this girl stood in front of me like a night mare. I do not know why but I hate her very sight. I just want her to stop staring at me and leave. She made me uncomfortable when she said ‘Papa..I am your daughter.’ She spoke as if she has rehearsed that line a few times before. I made up my mind to face any kind of black mail but never to pay a single paisa.