The train screeched to a halt and I got up with a start from the same old dream that I see when I am tense. In this dream, I run down a flight of stairs and then trip and fall. I tumble down endlessly. Usually I spend hours brooding over the hidden meaning of my recurring dream. May be I was up for a let down by some one close to me.  May be iI was going to be physically sick. Thank god, none of my interpretation ever worked. As for today when I found myself in the middle of Howrah station I got busy queuing up for a prepaid taxi.

My hangover from last night’s boozing was giving me a headache. The constant pain took my mind off other important things. I was feeling like a stranger in my home town. Two years I had waited for this moment. Or two years I had avoided this moment. Who can say? I never admit even to myself that I miss Kolkata, that I miss my family. My parents have no idea that I was coming home. They stayed in touch with me as little as possible. As for my wife, we separated two years back. She lives with my parents. I have a daughter who should be all of nine years now. I do not even remember her face clearly. It was my decision to move out to Bhubaneswar .  At that time I was a man with limited options.

Mine was an arrange marriage. I had loved my wife even before I actually met her. When I was twenty five, I had gone to my old college fest. There I saw this girl. She was among a group of girls singing the opening song. She was wearing the traditional Bengali red and white saree. It was a song well sung. But I was busy falling in love with the singer third from left. She was tall and slim with a single dimple on her left cheek. She looked like the younger sister of Priety zinta. To me, who was ready to select a partner in life, she looked like wife material. I approached her after her stage performance. She pointed to a boy who was fetching ice creams and said, ‘He is my boy friend and thank you for enjoying the song’. It was a slap across my face. I experienced love and heart break in a matter of an hour. The crushing pain just choked me. How did she know what was on my mind? I just said I loved the way she sang. I said, she had an excellent voice. I also encouraged her to professionally take up singing. Oh, I also said my mother was a singer and she would love to meet her. What was wrong with that? Later I spotted her eating ice cream with the same guy and laughing. I realised she told him about me and they both were laughing at me. I felt like a fool.

It took three more years for my Ma to find the right girl for me. When I saw the photograph thrust under my chin, I was in a hurry. It was the first day of our new branch opening at the out skirt of kolkata. But the face that stared at me was so much like the girl from the opening song that I agreed instantly. My Ma who had already made up her mind that this too will not work, was shocked. We got married the traditional way. My brand new wife was a science graduate and had no interest what so ever in music. She was a good wife and I was happy. When our daughter was born our life was complete or so I thought.

When I was offered a transfer to our  Bhubaneswar branch I accepted. I was better off in a new city . I dived into my work at my new office. I read a lot and slept a lot. On holidays I drove around. Bhubaneswar is nice and healing. You can hide with out a crowd. I got time to look back. I picked each day and tried to dissect it. When I stood at the beginning of my marriage, I found myself happy. That was the best time of my life.  

It is early October and the coming of Ma Durga is evident from the pandals being made. It took me more than one hour to reach home at golf green. Our house looked dull and distant. A hotel perhaps looks more cosy to a traveller. It was a single storied structure with a small patch in the front and back. As I tipped the cabbie, I noticed a brand new swift parked near the gate. I walked in, a tad conscious. A young girl came out and clashed with me. She helds my trousers and kept laughing. To my utter discomfort my junior came out along with my father. Things happened at a time. I needed time to stand still. First of all, I want a good look at my daughter. She had grown into a beautiful ittle girl. Even though she was still holding me and her warmth engulfed my lonely heart, her affection was not for me. My junior excused himself after a formal ‘hello’.  He was followed by my girl to the gate. I bent to touch my father’s feet. He blessed me out of habit with tears in his eyes. We walked back in to the sitting area. My mother and my wife were already there. Ma huged me a little longer than usual and I could not help looking at my wife. In her eyes I searched for hurt and resentment. Instead I found happiness and relief. When she bent to touch my feet, I felt small and sad. Where did I go wrong?  

My father left for the hospital in the new Swift. His operation was later in the evening. I was going to join him straight after freshening up. It is me, who should be taking him to meet his doctor. It is me, who should be there in his old age. when some one else does your duties he deserves more respact than you. My junior colleague is doing me a favour by looking out for my family. He has played my role in my absence. Ma informed me he was holding my old post at the office too. She looked proud talking about him. One could see he was like a real son to her. ‘Papa, papa’ my daughter tugs at me sleeve asking for attention. In one single minute she forgave me. How innocent kids are? How easily they forget and forgive? I picked her up and told myself I will never leave her again. The process of healing was going to be long for the rest of us but it had started from my daughter.