I have been running for quite a while now.  Then I tumbled for a few steps and then while trying to balance myself I fell flat on my face. Laying on the ground, breathing dust intimately I consciously stood up and started walking slowly then briskly. But I am not able to run again. There is a burden on my shoulder which is weighing me down, slowing me up. For a long time I held it close. Shy even to share with my own self. Every time I thought about it, I felt ashamed. How could I? Why did I? The load was too much for me.  I am not use to this. Up until then, I was perfect, at least technically.

I am You. I am your guilt. I am a man. And I am sorry. I do not need forgiveness. I need acceptance. I need awareness and I need you. This started as a letter of confession to self. Then to my wife but honestly this is a letter to the world, to all men. Why are we the way we are? Why are we, me?

I have been married for twelve years. My beautiful wife is every thing I wanted and needed at the time and since. With her there is magic in my life. With her there is family in my life. We are proud parents of a baby girl. Angel is five years old. Believe me when I say I love them more than I love myself some times. I can never imagine a life with out them. This is the part where I was happy and running.

I frequently travel out of Kolkata for business. Being a vice president of an export company it is expected of me. As my in laws live in the same building we never had a problem. During my travel abroad for long durations, I meet ladies who are approachable and willing. I am a good looking man with a body that Salman khan had in his earlier days. So I was always noticed and was easy target of flirtation. I probably think about it for a couple of days. It all was so easy. A couple of hours spent in one of our rooms. But I have never been more than tempted.

I tumbled and fell the day I saw her for the first time after a long time. Her back was to me. A plunging deep back neck, a tan color dress and her unmanageable mid size hair made me notice her slowly but steadily. I was in one of the restaurants of the Ritz hotel in Paris. I was on my own. At first I did not know it was her. But some thing about the way she kept lifting her tresses made me doubt. I knew Sheena lived in Paris since her marriage. Then she turned to look at me. It was crazy how my instinct turned into reality. She had sensed my eyes on her. Sheena was the most beautiful girl that I have ever known. And she looked more beautiful than I care to remember. Her wide set brown eyes sparkled as they recharged under my stare. Her pale pink lips shivered in memory of all the kisses that we had shared. I was happy to note she had maintained herself. I would not have her any other way. I immediately ripped my eyes away. My heart was beating faster and my mouth had gone dry. I tried concentrating on the meet steak on my plate. It had tasted good only a few minutes back. I walked up to her table which was right in front of mine. My steps were heavy and I was smiling to hide my nervousness. Her husband got up. He obviously knew about me. We shook hands and introduced ourselves. This was the man Sheena had left me for. This was the man she had crushed my heart for. I had all the reasons to hate him but non to hold him responsible for. I do not remember any thing after that except how much we were in love with each other. I have always regarded myself as one woman man. And she was my first love. She was warm and passionate. She loved me in a way I had imagined love to be. She filled my thoughts and my heart completely. And one fine day she got married and left me with out a warning or explanation.  

I met her again the next evening in my room I was a wreck. I had not slept and I was angry for no reason. Sheena was wearing a simple yellow summer dress. She held a straw hat that you get near a beach with real flowers on it. She threw it on my bed carelessly. She did not remove the white sunglasses that hid her face. My heart sank low. The more I realized how much she affected me the more I felt miserable. If I felt this way about her then was my family life a sham? When she spoke her words were gentle and soft. They were like a song spoken instead of sung. Half way through she removed her goggles. She was crying. This is when I hugged her. I pulled her on to me. Nothing of what she said had registered except that she loved me. She offered her reasons for leaving me and said she now knows they were not worth it. I caressingly took away the curls of hair that fell on her face and kissed her. She pressed her slim frame to me and opened up like a flower in front of a bee. For a while there, in a long while I was with myself. Her responses were the ones I had dreamt about. Wrapped in my arms she was a part of my past that I had lost. I loved her from the bottom of my heart and it showed in the way I made love to her. Her passion took me by surprise. It was as if we had never parted. It was as if this was meant to be.                                                                               

After she left I have become more than lonely. I want my old self back. Am I all that I was in those minutes? Or am I the person I am with my wife and daughter? I am so sorry. Will I ever forgive myself? Will I ever be able to run again?

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